Understanding my internal family

Hello Reader,

Let me ask you a question. Do you have a good relationship with your family, Reader?

“Well, my mom…” - Reader

No, no, no, I’m talking about your internal family.

“…I’m confused now. What do you mean internal family?” - Reader

We all have an internal mental family we are navigating each day.

“…okay I’m still confused…tell me more so I can understand.”

Yes, I’m talking about the therapy modality, IFS, or Internal Family Systems.

IFS was developed in the 1980’s when Dr. Richard Schwartz would hear about internal conflicts clients had, “a part of me feels this way but another part feels differently.” Freud recognized how our mind has different parts, but he described it as the id, ego, and superego. IFS build off of this and brought in a very caring way to help.

Many modalities function by noticing the unhelpful thought and suggest fighting it. This can be helpful, but IFS comes from a different approach suggesting to yes, notice the unhelpful part but instead of fighting it, it asks us to be curious and compassionate to it just as one would in a healthy family unit.

Within the IFS framework, we have many different parts of us that emerge depending on our environment, emotional state, and history. These parts are categorized as managers, firefighters and exiles. If gone unchecked, it can lead to negative intrusive thoughts, unhealthy destructive behaviors, and more. So, let's explore the different parts of us!

First, we have "The Managers". This is often the part of us that has trouble with the loss of control. They can be critical and lead to perfectionism. There is a time and place for this part. Internal dialog might look like, “Jane Doe was good at their school work, therefore I need to get an A+ on my work!” If this part is not supported in a healthy way, this can lead to perfectionism, unhealthy relationships, avoidant behaviors, fatigue, burnout, anxiety, depression, and more. If brought out in the right time and place, this part can also lead to motivation and determination.

We also have "The Exiles". These parts emerge when a person has been hurt, embarrassed, or shunned. There is a time and place for this part. The exiles try almost any strategy to make sure we don’t experience these feelings and emotions again. They were uncomfortable and hurt the first time, there for they don't even want to get in the situation again. Internal dialog with the exiles might look like, “Why try to make friends again? Everyone leaves you. They are going to do it again. You’re better off alone anyway.” If this part is not supported, it can lead to isolation, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, and more. If brought out in the right time and place, this part can protect us from unhealthy situations.

The third function that IFS describes is known as the firefighters. These are the more impulsive parts that often emerge when our exiles do not "protect us". There is a time and place for this part. The firefighters can lead to unhealthy behaviors such as drugs, alcohol, over-indulging and more. Internal dialog for this part of us might look like, “I can’t be alone! Let me fill my day with work or call this friend again. I have to do everything my friend is doing otherwise I'm not a good friend.” If this part is unchecked, this can lead to unhealthy relationships, enmeshment, abuse and more. If brought out in the right time and place, this part can protect us in a crisis situation.

There is a time and place for all parts of us.

While we have these three main parts, we also have our authentic self. It is to our benefit to practice being in our authentic self and practicing knowing when to call on our other parts to protect us. The goal is to work together as a healthy family unit rather than dismissing or minimizing those in our internal family.

Characteristic of our authentic self: We know we are experiencing more of our authentic self because our authentic self includes the 8 C’s: calmness, curiosity, clarity, compassion, confidence, creativity, courage, and connectedness. We can think of our authentic self as that child-like state that emerged before getting hurt. Once we got hurt by others or our environment, a new part is created internally with the function of being a manager, exile, or firefighter.

Scientifically, in short, what is happening here is, due to past experiences, a current and similar stimulus emerges and our neurons that wired together tries to influence our body to react just as we did before despite that the reaction might not apply to this new situation. It is to our benefit to learn how to recognize that first reaction, ease the tension, and then respond in a healthy way. As such, IFS is a wonderful way to practice rewiring the neural networks of our brain.

As metaphysical as it may sound, if we spend some time "talking" to these parts, we can actually start to sooth the tension because ultimately these parts are misunderstood minimized and neglected by others and even ourselves.

Key takeaways:

1)      IFS addresses mental health in a more understanding and compassionate way compared to other modalities.

2)      We have three main functions to the different parts of us. We have the managers, exiles, and firefighters. All of which are trying to find different ways to protect us and are misunderstood.

3)      There is a time and place for all parts.

4) We can recognize our authentic self through the 8 C’s (calmness, curiosity, clarity, compassion, confidence, creativity, courage, and connectedness).

5)      If we can stick to the 8 C’s as we explore the other parts of us, we can then respond to situation rather than just reacting. We can choose if we do need to be protected or if we need to respond in a different way to the situation.